What a Difference a Year Makes
A year ago today was my 35th birthday. I would have been perfectly content to just let the day pass with no celebration whatsoever. No, I wasn't unhappy that I was turning 35...age is just a number as far as I'm concerned. However, I was miserable because I thought I would be at a different place in my life by that point. I thought I would be a mother. All of the bitterness that I had felt since we had began and failed at trying to have a family came to a head. I was more bitter than ever and pissed off at the world.
A few days later a lightbulb went off over my head. I had two choices: wallow in self-pity for the rest of my life, or do something to change it. But what could I do? We had decided years ago that we would not pursue a domestic adoption for various reasons, and we thought we couldn't possibly afford international adoption. So I got online and began researching different international programs just for the heck of it. And that's when I discovered the China program. Not only is the program stable, the cost isn't any more than a domestic adoption. After much research, we decided that CCAI would be our agency and plunged head-first into the adoption process. It's the best thing, other than marrying my husband, that I've ever done.
Here I sit a year later and, for the first time in my life, I can actually say that I love who I am. I am now someone I would want to be around. I am happy. This didn't happen over night, but it has been a process that has unwound over the last year.
So, to any of you out there who I have ever pushed away, I am sorry. It's easier to not let people close to you rather than let them see how unhappy you are. And I'd like to make a public apology to my friend in Virginia, D, who I'm fairly certain reads my blog daily. I am so incredibly guilty of pushing you away. I used any petty reason I could think of, but it was me...all me. It's one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made and for that I'm sorry. You are a good friend, and it's my loss. I love you.
So friends, my message is to not let bitterness consume your life. Find the power to change it and learn to live.
A few days later a lightbulb went off over my head. I had two choices: wallow in self-pity for the rest of my life, or do something to change it. But what could I do? We had decided years ago that we would not pursue a domestic adoption for various reasons, and we thought we couldn't possibly afford international adoption. So I got online and began researching different international programs just for the heck of it. And that's when I discovered the China program. Not only is the program stable, the cost isn't any more than a domestic adoption. After much research, we decided that CCAI would be our agency and plunged head-first into the adoption process. It's the best thing, other than marrying my husband, that I've ever done.
Here I sit a year later and, for the first time in my life, I can actually say that I love who I am. I am now someone I would want to be around. I am happy. This didn't happen over night, but it has been a process that has unwound over the last year.
So, to any of you out there who I have ever pushed away, I am sorry. It's easier to not let people close to you rather than let them see how unhappy you are. And I'd like to make a public apology to my friend in Virginia, D, who I'm fairly certain reads my blog daily. I am so incredibly guilty of pushing you away. I used any petty reason I could think of, but it was me...all me. It's one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made and for that I'm sorry. You are a good friend, and it's my loss. I love you.
So friends, my message is to not let bitterness consume your life. Find the power to change it and learn to live.
posted by Kim at
12:31 PM
.jpg)
16 Comments:
Happy B-Day (again!)
Happy b-day!
Happy bday!
Happy Birthday and have a great bitter-free year!
Happy birthday, Mom! Good for you for stepping out of the bitterness limelight...now I just need to get the hang of it!!
HA!
Enjoy your day,
Karen
Happy Birthday!
You're about 50 days older than me. We 1970 girls rock, I must say.
I agree it's better to be happy.
Have a great one!
Happy Birthday!!!
I push people away all the time, due to unhappiness with myself. I'm trying hard to change that. I too, hope my thirty-fifth year will be the year I can become a happier person. I'm trying my darndest! Happy Birthday and good for you for letting go of the bitterness.
Happy Birthday Kim!!!!!!!
proud of you, that takes a lot to post. Many many of us can relate, not just sympathizing with your position but empathizing.
Been there, done that, never bought the t-shirt. Not too proud of the bitterness that at times I let define and consume me.
I'm not all over it yet, but I'm better, turning to China after our daughter died was our saving grace. We're better people becuase of it and learning to take the crap life throws at you better, day by day.
Happy birthday... hope my revelation on my 37th is just as good.
Happy Birthday Kim. It took a lot of courage to move forward and find happiness for yourself and I'm sure glad you did. There's a little one out there somewhere named Grace that one day will also be very glad you did.
Here's to a great year ahead and much happiness!
Donna :)
Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthdaaaaaay dear Kiiiii-iiiiim, Happy Birthday to you!
HAPPY B-DAY KIM!!!!!! I tried posting it yesterday, but blogger wouldn't let me for some reason????
~Bunches of hugs
Tonia
I'm a little late...but hope you had a GREAT day!!!
Colleen
What an incredibly thoughtful post. It is funny, I posted something somewhat similar the other day... but I'm doing this by myself, it is great that you are at least married. I turned 35 last month. Happy (belated) birthday! I thought my life would be a bit different now, and I guess it will be when my little one gets here.
Melissa
LID 10/31/05
Happy Birthday!!!
I can honestly say that I have been there. I, too, have pushed so many people away. But I wonder of that is what I needed to do to find myself and be happy with who I am. I guess in some ways we have to get lost in order to find ourselves - cheesy I know!
I have learned that those few and true good friends will come back because they will try to understand why you did what you did and know that you are sincere in your apology.
Have a wonderful birthday weekend and celebrate BIG!
gen
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home